I’ve written hundreds and hundreds of blog posts; but this one is more personal, more triggering, and more challenging than any of the others. Please don’t continue to read if you are not in a place emotionally to do so. My feelings won’t be hurt. In fact, I understand better than most. Some days, even the word “baby” can send me down a spiral. I hope that those who choose to continue to read will learn something about infertility or miscarriage, or they will be seen and heard by the very raw account of my own journey.
My Story
This is my true story of longing and loss.
I have avoided telling my story in the past because I knew that there are people who have gone through far more than I have. But, a very special friend told me, “This is not the suffering Olympics.” So, I won’t be comparing my pain to anyone else’s. I am just going to share my own story and hope that it helps someone–even just one someone.
I have always struggled with fertility. Before we even got married, Scott and I knew that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Sometimes I felt like this was punishment for saying that I never wanted to have kids all through my teenage years. Throughout this story, you’ll see that I often beat myself up and blame myself.
We were blessed to have four children early in our marriage. They required a little waiting and some science (three rounds of IUI), but it was much easier than we thought it would be.
I wanted another baby.
Time to try again
Now, some of you may be thinking, “She already had four kids! How could she want more?!” I asked myself the same questions. I didn’t want to want another baby. I tried not to want one. My husband tried to convince me that four was perfect. But, dang it, the heart wants what the heart wants. I could not stop thinking that our family was not complete no matter how hard I tried. It didn’t make sense to me, and I didn’t feel like I deserved another baby. But I wanted one BAD!
Month after month, I got negative pregnancy tests. Months turned into years. I became consumed. I was depressed.
I tried to have a baby for ten years. For ten years, I carried the grief and guilt of not being able to complete our family. Ten freakin’ years.
In 2017, we had finally saved enough money to try fertility. I remember the day that my husband came into my home office and said, “Let’s do fertility treatments.” I just about fell out of my chair! Once again, I was filled with hope. It had worked before. It would work again! I just knew it. I started making lists of baby names and looking at nurseries on Pinterest.
In that first year, we did three rounds of IUI. I actually got a positive blood pregnancy test the last round. But the numbers were low, and a couple days later, it was no longer positive. It was a chemical pregnancy. It was like the beginning of a pregnancy, but it never stuck. I got my hopes up and then I was crushed. At this point, I knew that we needed to be done with IUI. I couldn’t handle the disappointment every month.
IVF
In November, we started the process of IVF. IVF takes longer, is much more invasive, includes tons more medication and shots, and is loads more expensive. It was so scary to even make the decision to proceed, but we both felt that it was the next step for us.
The first part of IVF is the retrieval process. I was given a lot of medication and shots to help my body produce as many quality eggs as possible. The medication was so expensive, and it had to be purchased from a special pharmacy over an hour away.
I remember being so sick that I couldn’t eat Thanksgiving dinner. But no one knew that we were going through fertility treatments, so I had to pretend and not call attention to how crappy I felt. One week, I had to go to the doctor (an hour away) every single day to have a blood draw. The process took over our life.
On December 8, 2017, I had a quick surgical procedure where they were able to retrieve 12 eggs. Four days later, the lab called to notify us that eight of them had fertilized and were being frozen. I was in a ridiculous amount of pain after the procedure, but I was overjoyed because eight eggs was a success!
The wait was so hard, but after taking time to let my body heal, I started taking more meds and shots and preparing for the second part of the IVF process–the transfer. The meds and shots were not fun. Every shot made me think, “I’m broken, and I can’t get pregnant like a normal woman can.”
On February 2, 2018, I went back to the surgical center and had two embryos transferred. I watched the embryos on ultrasound. They looked like shooting stars! I left the facility on cloud nine. I was technically pregnant! Finally!
After nearly 11 years, I had to wait 11 days for the official results. On February 13, 2018, we got the amazing results that I was, indeed, still pregnant.
Joy, and sadness
We had an ultrasound a couple weeks later, and we weren’t too surprised to see two heartbeats. Twins! This was my gift for waiting so long! We celebrated, and we couldn’t stop smiling. A week later, we got to hear their heartbeats again. It was the most amazing sound.
I was eight weeks along when we went for our third ultrasound. I’ll never forget the words: “There is only one heartbeat.”
I burst into tears. “But I wanted them both! I loved them!”
I had never lost a baby. I never even worried about it. This felt so unimaginable.
I struggled. But I didn’t feel like I was allowed to mourn. After all, I was still pregnant. I kept all of the sadness to myself. I rarely talked about it, and I cried only when I was alone.
On October 2, 2018, I gave birth to Adalynn Quinn. I was completely enamored from the first moment she was placed on my chest. I wanted to hold her almost every moment of the day. She was eleven years in the making and a dream come true.
But then something happened that you might find confusing. I know it confused my husband and me at first too. Adalynn was just over two years old. It was New Year’s Eve, and Scott and I were talking about whether we had any regrets from the previous year. We both agreed that we regretted not doing another IVF transfer to try and give Adalynn a sibling close in age to grow up with. We both agreed that we wanted ANOTHER BABY!
Trying again
I know it sounds crazy, but again, the heart wants what the heart wants.
The good news was that we still had six embryos! We didn’t have to start from scratch.
On March 11, 2021, we transferred one embryo. And once again, it was a success! Ten days later, I found out that I was pregnant. We learned very early in the pregnancy that we were expecting a boy. We named him Hudson Reid.
I was so sick, but the baby was very healthy. I went to ultrasound after ultrasound, and the heartbeat was strong. After the first trimester, I started buying baby clothes, blankets, and furniture. I was planning his nursery. We took belly pictures every week and posted them on social media. Every night, Adalynn would rub my belly and talk to the baby. My heart was so full that it felt like it might burst.
And then it did.
Unimaginable pain
We went in for our 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I had a terrible feeling, but everyone thought I was crazy because I didn’t have any symptoms or reason to worry. It was just a hunch. When the tech started the ultrasound, she didn’t say anything. They always check the heartbeat first, but she started doing measurements. My husband started to breathe heavily, and when I looked at him, I knew for sure that something was wrong. I burst into tears.
There was no heartbeat. Hudson had died.
All the tech said was, “I’m sorry. I’ll go get the doctor.”
By the time the doctor came in, I was hyperventilating and gagging. The only word that I could get out was, “Why?”
She went into a spiel about it not being my fault, but I didn’t stick around to listen. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside. I cried and cried. And then I remember gaining some strength and standing in front of the mirror and lifting my shirt. I snapped a picture of my belly. My last belly picture.
Scott took me to the hospital. I had to be induced and literally give birth to my dead baby. I have never ever done anything harder in my entire life. I repeatedly cried, “I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”
Hudson Reid
I didn’t think that it was going to hurt because the baby was small. But apparently, a contraction is a contraction. They hurt. I was taking medication, and because they didn’t have to worry about the baby’s health, they gave me a massive dose. I was contracting back to back without any break in between. For the longest time, I refused any kind of pain medication. I was mad at myself for not taking good enough care of my baby. I deserved to be in pain.
Just after midnight on July 9, 2021, I gave birth to Hudson Reid. There were no baby cries. The room was actually very quiet. The cord was wrapped around his neck 3 ½ times. After the cord was unwrapped, my husband cut it, and Hudson’s tiny 5.3-ounce body was handed to me.
There is literally no way that you can prepare for that moment. It’s gut-wrenching.
Scott and I took turns holding Hudson for the rest of the night. I was thankful for our time alone with him. First thing in the morning, our dear friend and photographer, Julie, came and took pictures. I’m so glad we thought to do this. The pictures are literally all I have left of my son.
Our children came to meet their brother. Adalynn was super curious but didn’t understand that the baby was dead. The teenagers struggled. I didn’t have the strength to be there for them.
That afternoon, I kissed my son goodbye and handed him to a nurse. I left the hospital without my baby.
In the weeks that followed, the pain and the grief were intense. I just kept crying, “It’s not fair.”
One more chance
I dealt with my pain by obsessing about doing another transfer. I didn’t want this to be the end of my story. I didn’t want to wonder, “What if?” later. I was impatient and had trouble even waiting for my body to heal. I needed a baby to help me get over the heartbreak of losing Hudson.
I was triggered constantly. My social media was full of ads for baby clothes and blankets. Friends posted pregnancy announcements and baby pictures. Babies on TV shows, in movies, and in books reminded me of the baby missing in my family.
My doctor did tons and tons of tests. He believed that the baby probably died because of the cord and nothing was wrong with me. This seemed like good news to me because the likelihood of it happening again was like one in a million.
On September 28th, we transferred two more embryos. On October 8th (exactly three months after the terrible ultrasound), we received the great news that I was pregnant again.
Violet Aveline
I was so nervous during that pregnancy. I didn’t buy baby clothes, and I was scared to even think about the nursery. I didn’t start feeling connected to the baby at all until we found out she was a girl, and we gave her the name Violet Aveline. I chose Violet because I believed she was the end of my rainbow after a horrible storm.
At 13 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound. It took my husband and me just seconds to realize that there was no heartbeat once again. Our sweet Violet was gone.
I cried over and over, “Why is this happening again?! Why me?! This isn’t fair!”
Two weeks before Christmas, I went in for a D&C. I went to sleep with Violet in my belly and woke up empty. Once again, I had to leave the hospital without my baby. I didn’t get to meet her or kiss her. I don’t have pictures.
No happy ending
Christmas was hard. I tried to make it special for my kids, but it wasn’t merry at all. The music made me sad. The movies made me cry. And when strangers said, “Merry Christmas,” I actually felt angry. Grief consumed me again.
And that’s the end of my story. It’s not a happy ending. There was no rainbow after the storm. There is still so much sadness, longing, and grief.
I don’t think a day will ever go by when I won’t think about Annalise, Hudson, and Violet. But most days, I am able to move forward and focus on healing too.
Thank you for letting me share my story. In many ways it is a part of my healing.
Have a Not So Wimpy Day
There are no words to offer you any comfort but I do truly believe God is with you. you have three little angels in heaven and you are truly blessed to have your family to love and support you. I do not know you but you have truly touched my heart. My prayers are with you for faith, love and strength. Even with all your pain you are a joy. You are a blessings to so many teachers that you have helped and will continue to help. I know you are an inspiration to your children and to your husband. May God place healing in your heart.
Thank you for your kind words, Amelia.
I too know if heartbreak and infertility. My story is similar to yours. I was first married to a man who didn’t want children. I did want children more than anything in the world. My friends and family said things like, “But you are a teacher, you have tons of children.” It wasn’t the same. I ended up divorcing my first husband and my second husband had 2 kids from a previous marriage. We tried and tried to have children. We went to fertility doctors. One doctor said, “You’re too overweight, it won’t happen.” We had 5 IUIs there, then that doctor was so prejudice against overweight people, I went to another fertility specialist. After 2 rounds of IUI and tons of shots in the butt later, I got pregnant with twins. I was finally going to have children and I was 40 years old. I have birth to Michael and Mikayla in 2005. I now had a family with 2 step children and 2 of my own. I wanted more, and 2 years later I got pregnant with my little peanut. I started bleeding at 19 weeks asking.I found out at 20 weeks at am ultrasound that she had died. Not only that, she wouldn’t come out and the doctors that did that procedure D&E was on vacation. I had to go around for almost 2 weeks with a dead baby inside of me. I never named her but I found out that she was a girl and died of trisomy 18. About 3 months later I found I was pregnant again, but at Thanksgiving I had horrible pains, I ended up bleeding and bleeding and had a miscarriage. After that I never tried again. I was 43 years old. That was the end for me. I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I totally understand. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Bridget,
I’m so sorry you have experienced similar heartache. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. My prayers & heart are with you. My husband & I have been trying for ten years. We’ve had two pregnancies, both ending in a miscarriage. We are not giving up because we firmly believe that God placed the desire to have children in our hearts and that He will fulfill that desire.
My story is nothing like yours, but I have a baby in heaven too. He would be 42.
You did gift heaven with three precious souls , and you will see them again.
Every baby is precious, no matter how long they are with us.
Thank you, Charity. I’m sorry you have also experienced loss.
Jamie,
Your story is both heartbreaking and inspirational . . . heartbreaking because you have endured so much loss, but inspirational because even throughout your pain, you have found the strength to go on day by day. Thank you for sharing! I’m sure your journey will help so many others who have experienced a similar kind of loss.
Hi Terri,
Scott and I truly appreciate the support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
Thank YOU for sharing your story. It was sad and enlightening all at the same time. I pray that by writing your story has helped comfort you and your family. You have certainly helped others by sharing your story.
Hi Terri,
Thank you for your kind words. Scott and I appreciate the support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
Jamie,
For so many months your name was on my prayer board in my kitchen. I prayed for you and your family regularly. I too know loss. I understand the need to share your story. I pray that you find healing in your own words. Grief has no guidelines or timeline. I hope you find joy on your journey to healing.
Much love,
Brandi
Thank you for your kind words, Brandi. Scott and I appreciate the love and support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
Thank you for sharing your journey and pain. My daughter also struggles with infertility and lost one of her twins at 33 weeks. Her pain and grief comes in waves. Some days being much worse than others but still so fresh after 3 years. My pain and grief comes from burying my grandson and watching my child suffer and not being able to fix it. That’s what moms are supposed to do. Sending prayers for peace and comfort.
I’m sorry your family has experienced a similar loss. It’s a difficult pain for the entire family.
To Jamie and Family,
I’ve never experienced anything like that, but know of women and families who have lost their children. My heart goes out to each of you. There’s never a reason good enough. Don’t know how, but my prayer is that your family is strengthened and brought closer together.
Thank you for your kinds words, Laura.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how you feel. I had four miscarriage. My two girls are nine years apart. When I finally had my second child I was almost forty years old. I wanted more but I knew I was not strong enough.
You are a strong, brave mom. Bless you and thank you for sharing your story. Be well and thank you for all you do for our educational community….
Thank you for your kinds words. Scott and I truly appreciate the love and support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
Your bravery and strength are an inspiration. Sending you love.
Thank you, Kay.
My heart goes out to you. I lost a child, a daughter, Heather. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and carried her full-term. She was born with a rare condition called CHARGE Association. Various doctors examined her, cardiologist, geneticists, audiologists, to name a few. The hard part is that no one told us she might die, she lived for 10 weeks. While my family(I am one of 7 and have 25 nieces and nephews) and friends tried to console me, no one had experienced a loss of a child. She would have been 33 this coming August. Most days are easy, some, like now, difficult. Time lessens the pain, but it never goes away entirely. Take your time to grieve and heal. You are in my prayers.
May God bless you and your family.
Beth Anne Telega
Thank you, Beth. I’m sorry your family experienced a similar loss.
Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I know this had to be hard. My prayers are with you. Just know many of us are thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
Scott and I truly appreciate the love and support from all of you wonderful teachers.
I am so sorry for your loss. We went through years of infertility treatments and saw countless doctors. I never experienced a miscarriage. We ended up doing IVF. We had 10 viable embryos. Over 20 years ago, the process isn’t what it was today. We transferred 4 embryos the first round. I had one baby!! Just one. Then three years later we did our frozen transfer. They thawed all 6, there were only 3 viable embryos and they transferred all of them. The odds were not in our favor. I remember all the prayers that I prayed. In a few weeks, my blood tests were positive. Again, just one. Life was good, but like most we didn’t feel our family was complete but we were not in a place financially to try again. So we just stopped. And shortly after we miraculously were pregnant I cannot begin to tell you how I felt that entire pregnancy I was a wreck! Thank you for sharing something so personal as it gave me pause to think of my own infertility journey and how wanted my teenagers were! I know God has a plan for each and every one of us. I know that motherhood is a divine calling. May you and your family be blessed and comforted as you grieve for your lost babies.
I appreciate you sharing your own journey. I’m sorry your family has experienced a similar loss.
I feel like I could of written this story. I too during my teenage years said I did not want kids. And then I did and I could not. My husband also named Scott, tried for 8 years. Finally, it happened. We wanted another and nothing. By then, I was getting older so we turned to fertility. One IUI later and I had my second perfect baby. But I WANTED another. Everyone thought I was selfish, I thought I was selfish too. But I wanted another and we again turned to fertility. One IUI and 3 IVFs I was finally pregnant. We were so happy until we weren’t. I went for my 12 week scan and there was not heartbeat. Everyone, thought I should I stop. Our hearts were broke but we had 2 amazing kids. But I WANTED another one. So we tried again. We were blesses with our 3rd daughter. We have 3 amazing girls but you know what I WANT another one. I don’t feel like we are complete but fertility is out of the questions now so it is out of my hands. I can so relate to your story on so many levels. Thank you for sharing it.
There are many parallels between our stories. Thank you for sharing yours.
Jamie,
No words can express the pain felt when losing a child. I have lost two and there is no pain that can ever compare.
I cried when I read your story. I have not been brave enough to share mine. Shortly after we lost the second one, my husband and I separated and later divorced. We are now back together working on healing together. Reading your story has motivated me to begin unraveling the protective layer I have placed around my heart and soul, regarding the loss of my babies. Keep your faith and my prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry you have experienced the loss of two children. Even with the protective layer you have placed over your heart, you still have sadness. I truly hope by sharing my journey will help you with yours.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. Infertility and miscarriage is such a lonely road; you feel like no one understands or can help. My husband and I have dealt with infertility throughout our marriage and unfortunately I was never able to get pregnant. We stopped short of IVF because it was SO expensive at that time and our insurance didn’t cover it. We finally ended up going through adoption. But even that had it’s heartbreak! We had one fall through (witnessing the birth and then being told by the birthmom that she decided to parent) and another who just never got back to us. Finally we adopted a baby boy that we were able to reach final adoption. Unfortunately the birthmom was not in a healthy state of mind and the hope for a lasting relationship with us and our son was not in the cards. (But that is another story!) Again when we decided to adopt again, we went through several that fell through and one where we had the baby girl for a week and then the birthmom decided to parent. That was horrendous! Especially since she went back into an environment of drugs, alcohol, etc. I pray for her to this day. After all that, I do thank God that I never had a miscarriage. I could not image the pain and loss associated with that. Everyone’s journey to having the family they want is individual. I want to thank you for sharing yours. I’m happy that you have family and friends who are there to support you; we didn’t always have that with ours. (My brother-in-law and his wife were pregnant with their fourth baby soon after we adopted our son. They proceeded to “joke” with their friends that they adopted theirs…….right in front of me at a community function!) Thank you again for your story and may God Bless you and your family!
Hi Barb,
Each journey to being a family is different and each child is special. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. So many women go through these same issues and feel so hurt and alone. Many (hugs)) and thoughts always!
I appreciate your kind words, Angela.
Thank you for being open and sharing. I appreciate you! I am praying for you and your family!
Thank you, Renee. I appreciate the support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
Please know none of this is your fault. I know it sounds easy for me to say, but it is truth. And in telling you, I can remind myself.
Losing a child… at any age or stage of development is devastating. I imagine that all unborn/stillborn babies are playing together in heaven and waiting for us. (((Hugs)))
Scott and I are truly grateful for all the wonderful support from the Not So Wimpy community.
Jamie-
I am so sorry for the pain you and your family have had to endure. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. My daughter and son-in-law are facing a difficult road on their way to become parents – miscarriages and IFV failures. She is planning on trying another cycle soon. I am going to share your story with them. They know they aren’t alone, but sometimes they feel that way. Thank you for your continued support of teachers while going through your personal losses. I really appreciate your dedication. Thank you
May you and your family comfort each as you grieve for your losses.
Thank you for your kind words, Cheri. One of my hopes in sharing my story is so others know they are seen and heard. It can feel lonely at times.
Jamie,
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. There is strength in knowing that we are never along in our grief, even when the nights seem long and dark. Throughout your journey you have blessed so many third graders with your curriculum material. You have no idea what a difference you have made for so many kids you will never meet. I hope you can keep this knowledge close to your heart. I am very grateful for you and all the help and support you have given to me. Blessings to you as you continue your healing process.
Thank you, Janine. Scott and I appreciate the support from the Not So Wimpy Teacher community.
I too lost my son. His name was Peyton. He was born when I was 36 weeks pregnant. He was born alive, but never could get oxygen. So because of medical reasons to do with me and my sweet boy, he only lived two hours. He died in my arms. Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard that is, but I promise you, you will be helping other moms more than you know. My son would be 16 this year, and we are still always helping and counseling other families who have suffered infant loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage. God Bless you…. ~R
I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your son. I appreciate your kind words.
It took so much courage and thought to share something so personal with us. Many of us can understand and even relate. Will continue to pray for you and your family, and for all those who shared their own stories here. May we all continue to heal from the experiences and ensure that our losses and difficulties have not been in vain. This is a huge part of healing – sharing with others. Thank you so very much.
Thank you, Liz. I appreciate your kindness.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Even though I’ve always been able to get pregnant easily, I have dealt with similar heartache. My first baby, Kaylie, would be 34 now. I carried her full term; in fact, she was 2 weeks overdue. In spite of this, she was stillborn and was only 5 1/2 pounds at birth. The doctors were unable to ever figure out why she was so small for her age or why she died. I was terrified to try again, but the desire for a baby was so strong that I did so a year later. Unfortunately, I miscarried after a month. I was so heartbroken and scared at this point that it was six more years before I got up the courage to try again. Eventually, I was able to have two beautiful children, Molly and Nate, with one more miscarriage in between them.
Before my journey, I had never known anybody else who had lost a pregnancy because nobody talked about it. I am glad that there is less secrecy surrounding miscarriage and stillbirth now, as there is some comfort in knowing that others have made it through similar struggles. Hugs to you, and heartfelt wishes for continued healing.
My hope is for others to know they are seen and heard. I’m sorry you experienced similar losses. Thank you for sharing your own story.
We are so accustomed to thinking there is always a happy ending and I so appreciate you sharing that for you there wasn’t. Someone needs to hear that and know that even in the darkness light will eventually shine again. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I had the benefit of IVF to conceive our twins and the fear and worry that goes with the beginning of pregnancy is hard to explain. I had a happy ending and sometimes feel guilty that it worked the first time and I now have 19 year old twins. But thankfully your friend is right – it’s not the suffering olympics and we all walk this journey differently. I guess I just wanted to say I am so thankful you have your current family and thank you for sharing your pain and heartbreak that it might be a lifeline to someone struggling. My faith is encouraged by your testimony.
Thank you, Dawn. Every journey is different and we never want to feel alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am devastated by the amount of miscarriages, stillbirths and infant losses that happen. It’s something I always thought only happened on occasion but now I realize it happens so often. I lost one of my twins Koehn at almost 32 weeks this past August. My heart has been completely altered, and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t long for him to be here. I pray for some sort of peace for you, me, and all the mommas with babies that were taken from us. ❤️
I’m so sorry you have suffered a similar loss. No parent should have to experience such pain.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I can only imagine how hard infertility is and the deep desire to grow your family and not be able to. My husband and I got married right after college. I always wanted a big family and loved kids. After we were married for 6 months we decided to try for a baby and were blessed with our 1st right away. We were so excited, everything was perfect. Then at 39 weeks and 1 day without any warning our son died. I was induced that very day and less then 24 hours later gave brith to our first born, our baby boy, Maverick John. They never could find what caused his death and ruled it a medical mystery saying the chances of it happening again is like being struck by lighting. We have gone on to have 2 more children. Another son and a daughter. We love them dearly but our hearts still break and yearn for Maverick, the one who made us parents. As time goes on it gets easier. You have more good days then bad, but we will forever grieve and mourn our sons death. I deeply long for a complete family but that will never be and that is a hard truth to except. Some things you can’t ever fully get over. Sending you love and praying for your hearts.
Thank you, Mackenzie. I’m sorry you experienced similar loss. Every baby is precious, no matter how long they are with us.
Thank you … it is nice to know other are not alone. I know similar feelings and reading hurt but it also made me feel better. It is hard to put into words all those feelings. We did IUIs and IVF… all unsuccessful. It was hard watching successful endings. It was hard not having any actual answers. We gave up… we looked into adoption and a miracle happened. I got pregnant with our miracle. She just turned 1 last month. The journey was long and not many fully understand all of it and the emotions that come with it. I thank you for sharing. It gave my heart a squeeze.
Thank you for sharing your own story. Babies truly are precious miracles.
I can’t imagine your pain. I was very fortunate. I had a premature baby girl at 26 weeks. Against all odds, she is survived and is a 26 year old nurse! She was born with many others who did not survive. I don’t have an answer for why some children live, and some are called back to the Father. I do know that it isn’t the mother’s fault. Someday you will be with your children and your questions will be answered. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It reminds us all that we are not alone on our earthly journey. I’m sure someone suffering your pain knows that they are not alone. I will pray for peace for you and your family.
Thank you, Theresa. Scott and I appreciate your kind words and support.
I have a very similar ending – no happy ending. We had 2 healthy girls when we got pregnant with our little boy. We lost him at 20 weeks and had to go through the whole delivery process, as well. We went in to have testing done and it was determine that I had a clotting issue. I went on to have 2 more miscarriages. Pregnant for the 5th time, I knew I couldn’t go through it again. Many years later we also found out that I have a heart shape uterus which can cause fertility issues. It’s been 11 years since all of the pain-I didn’t get my rainbow baby but I have a faith in God I never would have be without the journey I went on. I also have come to realize my girls are truly miracles. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your own journey.
Thank you for telling your story. It’s not fair you lost three babies. It’s so sad. Your strength is that you told your story. You are a very strong person and that is your super power. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sending love and prayers to you and your family.
Thank you, Marie.
Hi,
I read your story and truly felt the pain you were dealing with. Sending my thoughts and prayer for you and your family just doesn’t seem enough and I wish I could do so much more. I’m sending a virtual hug(still, not enough) and hoping that someday God’s light will shine on you and you stop feeling as you do. I don’t know what you are going through, but I do know loss and guilt. In March my amazing and extraordinary husband tragically and totally unexpectedly passed away with no warning or notice. Each day I wake a blame myself, I have no one really(since my parents are gone and my siblings are absent and distant). I blame myself because I must be an awful person to have the love of my life taken or that it’s my fault I didn’t see this coming. All I can do for you is to pray each day that God help you through and what His plan is for you shines through. So, that is what I will do. All the best.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry about the loss of your wonderful husband.
Jamie,
Thank you for sharing your story. It was heartbreaking. 🙁 I went thru 10 years of infertility/miscarriages/ and a 12 week old fetal demise. I was blessed with a 1lb. 8 oz. daughter (Lexie) and my baby journey ended there. She continues to be the light of my life. She is 25 and a labor and delivery nurse. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and healing.
Denise
Thank you, Denise.
I lost my first child with a miscarriage. I didn’t even know that I was pregnant. It definitely shook me up quite a bit.
I then had a healthy baby the following year.
I then lost a set of twins after a fall at work. I don’t think the fall did it, it just wasn’t the right time for us. They probably weren’t healthy and than the fall just was too much trauma for them. The procedure to remove them was a D & E. It was emotionally horrific but with time, and some medication, I healed.
I got pregnant the following year. Healthy baby, no complications.
We thought we were done but then 2 years later my third child was conceived. Another healthy baby, no complications.
The losses were hard. The not knowing WHY? was always so painful. In my mind, I tried to just tell myself that it was not meant to be. The babies were not healthy. As a couple, maybe the timing was not right. No real reason, but it still hurt a lot. Healing time is hard. Seeing babies, hearing about babies, it all hurt. Luckily, my 3 children are healthy, smart, and well-loved. With my 3rd baby, I asked to have my tubes tied. I just could not imagine another pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing your own story.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your babies are waiting for you in Heaven. You’ll hold and kiss them. I promise.
I am SO incredibly sorry! Thank you so much for sharing your story. As we went through the IVF process ourselves and also experienced loss, we completely understand and resonate with all of those emotions. I am sitting in tears remembering all of those “feels” and my heart is broken for you! However, I must say Thank you for sharing your story. We found out that so many people keep this process bottled up inside and are left alone on an island just like myself. We recently started telling about our journey to let others know that they are not alone, and God cares about them still. When you know that you are not alone, it helps (a little) with the healing. Empathy is good. So thank you for being open. But I understand how difficult it is to share your story as well, so thank you for being open!
I’m sorry you’ve experienced a similar loss. Our hearts grieve with you.
I am so so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking. You are in my prayers.